tora | (no subject)

Hokay so...yeah just went through this weiird little depressed state that happens every once in a while. It's nothing really. I'm fine now thanks to

about_rey letting me emo at her. xDD!!

So yeah...ended up writing this drabbly thinger. It's emo tastic but yeah anyway...^^;;

Two weeks later
Oshitari Yuushi centric
Written by Tora
Notes: It's written in first person point of view and two weeks after Yuushi leaves Atobe. This probably sucks but *shrugs* meh. Felt like sharing my crap with the rest of you. So here you go...

I admit. It was the hardest thing to do to him. You just don't know how much it hurts to not be able to see him. To not be able to hold him close and laugh with him...kiss him...to whisper so many things in his ear softly...but...I can't go back. It'll only hurt more if I do. Things won't change...I fooled myself into thinking they would change, that he would change and see what was wrong between us.

Gods what a fool I am. I honestly still can't believe I walk out like that...but if I hadn't...if I hadn't walked away, not looking back...if I had not forced myself to ignore his sobs...his pleas...his cries...begging me not to walk out on him...begging me not to leave him...if I hadn't then I'd still be there and we'd still be unhappy together, still be arguing and fighting with eachother over the same old things.

He just couldn't see, couldn't understand what it was he was doing to me. I wanted him close. I wanted him to be something I had already imagined he was but...that's my fault for thinking too highly of him. He's not what you would think he'd be. He doesn't really know anything about a relationship. A real and serious one. And here I thought, "maybe I can help change that. maybe I can do this or that..." I was wrong. Hmph. For a genius I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have allowed myself to be blinded by his image. But alas, that image is what I feel in love with. That idea of him that I had.

I miss him. I wanted so badly to be with him when he began to plead with me. My heart practically bled to just turn around, hold him and apologize, but if I'd done that, it would all go back to the way it was and I'd still be just a jealous, just as heartbroken and even worse off then I am now.

We haven't spoken to each other in two weeks. I should stop acting like an idiot about all this, stop moping around, stop beating myself up about all this. This has gone on long enough. I've wasted enough time on this. We're going to be graduating to high school pretty soon. I should focus on that. Focus on getting past this. I may just quit playing tennis when this year is over. I may even quit after the end of this semester, but that depends on how I feel about it then. Until then...I'm just going to keep going forward. Just keep walking and seeing what where the path leads me.